Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
