I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
