last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
