she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
