omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
