We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
