Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i have two assholes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
