Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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