dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
