i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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