Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
