apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
