I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
