I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
