peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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