If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
