Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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