...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
