I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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