and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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