Please, let me fuck your mom
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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