I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
