You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
