I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
