Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
