he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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