if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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