So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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