from now on my penis is your penis
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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