Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
