I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
