life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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