super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
