I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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