pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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