I'm really into asian looking animals
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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