Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
