does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
