one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
3pm strippers are depressing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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