Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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