Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
