and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
