glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
