I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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