I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
