She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
