I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I showed him my bush... on skype.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
