We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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