when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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