Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
