At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
