I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
