i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
