So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
