My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
