i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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