I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
