His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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