I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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